Weaning III

Still having so many mixed feelings around weaning. Part of me is really feeling the pressure and doubting myself a bit for even deciding to breastfeed this long. I really thought it would be easier if I waited until she was older, and it was relatively easy the time I tried last week. I mean she didn't really want to go to sleep, she kept fidgeting but there weren't really any tears. But the next day she pinched her finger in the door and I couldn't wean my baby while she was in pain! Fast forward to this week and she has been having a pretty rough time even going down for naps without nursing (we haven't  used to sleep for nap but she has been crying for it). Which hasn't happened in over a month! Yesterday was the first day all week she fell asleep at nap happy, and so at bedtime I decided to try again, and it actually worked again with little fuss. She fell asleep after like 45 min of rocking/bouncing (oh yes I am aware I'm just replacing one bad habit with another but that is how I roll) but then she woke up when I laid her down and it was the end of that! And I gave in again! Gah! Why!? I just feel like I am failing major on this one. And now I have to decide if I just try it again and this time don't give in, or maybe let her nurse but not to sleep. That way I can get rid of the nursing to sleep before I actually take away the nursing all together. But then I really feel like the only thing that is keeping the nursing around is as a way to fall asleep, and its not really necessary to keep it. But maybe it would be gentler. I guess I could try it. Yet, I'm really over all of this and would love for it to just be behind us and trying the second way will just prolong it. Now that we are approaching two years, I feel like we are probably making some people start to wonder. And I hate that I care! I hate that I am letting them make me doubt myself! So I'm trying to figure out what part of my feelings are coming from a feeling like I have to wean because that's what everyone expects, or my own feelings that I really want to wean. Of course there are times when I feel like breastfeeding is inconvenient and I would love a little more freedom, but there are other times when I think about how I will be sad when it's over. While rocking her to sleep these past few days for nap and at night I keep thinking about her as a baby, and how she is so big now, but still my baby. How fast it all went and how there is so much letting go little by little in parenting, and how this will just be the beginning of many years ahead. I used to think I could only do it till two, and then as it gets closer I think I could probably go longer if I really wanted too. I totally understand why people let there kids self wean and I sometimes wish I could trust myself enough to go that path. But I also want to get pregnant. Which thus makes me feel very guilty about not wanting to nurse while I'm pregnant. I know it's doable so I feel like I should do it, but I really don't want to tandem nurse (even though I think there are definitely benefits, I know I would be too overwhelmed) and I'm afraid KyKy wouldn't self wean. Yet a part of me is still holding on to hope that possibility could somehow play out.

So I'm kind of lost on what to do next, or even what I want to do next.